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Year of Aveilus

Crash Course of the Jewish Lifecycle

Halacha creates ritual throughout the year of mourning which are the guiderails at this trying time. Spend some time learning more here.

June 23rd shiur is kindly sponsored by:


Sandy and Ed Klar l'zachar nishmas Ed's mother,
Shirley Klar, Sora Feyga bas Moshe, on her 17th yahrzeit on 21 Sivan
&
Jack and Barbara Segall in memory of Barbara's mother, Freida bat Avraham Moshe, a"h
on 18 Sivan and their great-grandniece, Leor Devorah bat Shlomo, a"h on 20 Sivan

SHIVA

Preparing the Shiva House

The First Meal

I have heard something about bagels after the funeral. What am I supposed to be doing?
The first meal after the funeral is called he seudas havraa. This meal should be provided by others for the aveilim.[1] Usually the chevra Kadisha of the shul organizes this meal.

What is the reason for this practice?
There are many reasons:

  1. To ensure the aveilim are cared for when they are in grief.[2]
  2. There is often no time for the aveilim to take care of themselves.[3]
  3. It is to remind them that one doesn’t want to receive a free giveaway and that is why we are in this world, to earn our keep before the next world.[4]

Can I grab a snack after the funeral or do I have to wait for this meal?
One can take a snack but the first meal should not be had before this meal.[5]

What should this meal be made of?
It should typically be a round food like lentils or eggs. This reminds the avel of the circle of life and the fact that they have no mouth – there is silence in grief.[6]

When is this skipped?
If the burial is on the afternoon of erev Shabbos[7] or on Chol Hamoed[8], this meal is skipped.

Mirrors

Which mirrors need to be covered?
All the mirrors that the avel would see. The mirrors in the breakfront need not be covered.

What is the reason for this practice?
There are a few reasons for this practice:

  1. It is a time of lack of self-care and the mirror is the vehicle of self-care.
  2. One prays in the house of mourning and one cannot pray facing a mirror.
  3. We cover the human image because at the time of death, we recognize humanity living up to it’s calling.

Should I cover mirrors on Shabbos?
The mirrors should be uncovered on Shabbos since there is no public display of mourning on Shabbos

Should I cover the mirrors at my house if it is not the shiva house?
The mirrors should be covered in the rooms the avel uses(e.g. the master bathroom).

Low Chairs

Why can we not sit on regular chairs?
This was originally overturning the beds to demonstrate the overturning of the tzelem elokim in the human being.[9] It should be lower than 10 inches from the ground but lower than usual is fine.[10]

Do I need to sit low for eating?
One may sit on a regular chair to eat.

Do I need to sleep n a low bed?
No, a regular bed is fine.[11]

Where do I get these chairs from?
Our volunteer chevra Kadisha is proud to help provide this service. You do not need to call misaskim. Just let the Rabbi know how many chairs you need and by when.

Restrictions during shiva

Tefillin

Do I wear Tefillin during shiva?
Yes, except the first day of shiva, even after the funeral.[12] This continues till sunrise the next morning.[13]

Self-Care

Am I allowed to shower?
An avel may not shower during shiva in both hot or cold water. If one becomes dirty and need to clean, they may use warm water and soap in that spot to remove the dirt.[14]
A person who usually showers every day and will suffer extreme discomfort by not showering, may shower after the first day quickly.

Can a woman go to the mikva during shiva?
If the woman is in aveilus, she must wait till after shiva. [15]If her husband is in aveilus, she may go to the mikva because it makes it easier to be able to have pass things to each other during this time even though intimacy remains forbidden.[16]

May I put on deodorant?
An avel may not wear aftershave or perfume.[17] They may wear deodorant which is used to remove or prevent a bad odor.[18]

May I put on makeup?
A woman may not wear makeup for the entire Shloshim. However, a married woman may put on makeup but only after Shiva. This includes erev Shabbos during the Shiva. A newly-wed woman, or a young lady in shidduchim may put on makeup even during Shiva.[19]

May I brush my teeth?
Yes, no restrictions.

May I wear jewelry?
Not during the shiva.

May I do laundry or change my clothes?
An avel may not wear freshly laundered clothes during shiva.[20] This does not include undergarments.[21]

Shoes

Which shoes can I wear?
One may not wear leather shoes during shiva. All others are allowed.[22] Some avoid wearing really comfortable non-leather shoes.[23] Others are less concerned about this. [24]

Relationships

Are husbands and wives allowed to be together?
Not during the shiva.[25]

What kind of contact is allowed?
Beyond actual intimacy, a couple may not kiss or hug but all other forms of contact forbidden during nidus are permitted during shiva.[26]

Learning Torah

May I learn Torah?
Since Torah is something which bring simcha, an avel must avoid Torah study whether reading, writing, speaking or listening.[27]

Are there sections of Torah I may learn?
One may learn Iyov, Yirmiyahu and Eicha, and one may say Tehillim. One may also learn the gemaras and halachos about the destruction of the mikdash, which are allowed on Tisha B’Av.[28]

May I recite Tehillim?
If it is recited as a tefilla not an academic study, it is allowed.[29]

What about reading or watching the news?
If Torah is prohibited, then certainly one should not read/watch the news to distract themselves from the deceased.[30]

May a child in aveilus go to school?
Children should be sent to school as regular.[31]

Are there different rules for davening in the shiva home?
Yes, please ask Rabbi Trump for the guide to tefilla on the house of aveilus.

Greeting

Are there any restrictions about what I can say to people who visit?
The avel should not greet visitors with the words ‘shalom aleichem.’ In turn the visitors should also not greet the avel in such a way.[32] This also includes other more colloquial types of greeting.[33]

Work

Am I allowed to work in order to make sure things are running in the office?
An avel is not allowed to work during the course of the shiva so that their focus remains completely on the deceased.[34] That means that anyone who is an e mployee should take off bereavement days for the duration of the shiva.

What if I will lose a lot of money if I don’t do what I need?
If one is the expert on this matter and if one does not attend to it, there will be a significant loss, one may attend to that specific issue after the 3rd day of shiva.[35]

Am I allowed to write?
Writing is prohibited during shiva in the same way it is not allowed during Chol Hamoed.[36] Texting or typing on the computer is fine.[37]

I am a doctor – what if I get a call?
One should take off the week and find coverage. If one gets an urgent call and the only doctor who can address this is you, you make take the call and even make a house call.[38]

I have a business, may my workers continue to work during shiva?
Yes, because not doing so would mean losing all the money one has to pay them anyway.[39]

I am in real estate, what do I do about my assets which are growing over the course of shiva?
Profit which accrues because of investments which one is not directly involved with is fine to allow to continue during shiva.[40]

What if I am a business owner?
A business owner may not run his/her business during Aveilus. If one is not able to shut down the business during the shiva, it is best to sell one’s business to a partner or manager who will run the business. That means that you will not be receiving profits from this week. The partner or manager may give you a bonus after the week of shiva as a gift.[41] For the document of sale, please ask Rabbi Trump.

What about household chores?
An avel may help with household chore which are necessary during the shiva. Thus, the avel may continue to employ someone to help clean the house as well.[42]

Food

I heard that one cannot remove things from the shiva house, what if there is leftover food? The general custom it not to remove food from the beis avel because of ‘ruach ra.’[43] Leftover food which was brought after the death may be taken out.

Travel

May I go out of the shiva house to pick up something from the store?
The avel should not leave the shiva house except if it is related to travel which is for the need of the shiva or to get to another place to sit or to sleep back home.[44] Walking into the back yard or onto the porch is allowed.

Can I travel to and from the shiva house if I am staying at home?
One may but one should have a chaperon.[45] The chaperon may be another avel.

Shabbos

What is allowed on Shabbos?
When Shabbos comes, the conspicuous aspects of Aveilus are lifted. That means the avel can change out of the ripped shirt, change clothes to Shabbos, wear leather shoes, sit on a regular seat.

What is not allowed on Shabbos?
The private aspects of Aveilus remain. These include: marital relations, learning Torah, bathing, using perfume/aftershave, taking a walk, joyous activities.

When do I need to sit till on erev Shabbos?
There are different opinions on this topic. One can change clothes at the time of mincha ketana (2.5 halahcik hours before sunset).[46] That means that even if one has no more visitors after 1pm, one would still sit low till mincha ketana time.

Can I shower on erev Shabbos?
This is included in private Aveilus which is not allowed even on Erev Shabbos. One may clean one’s face and spot clean. If a person experiences extreme discomfort by not showering, there is what to rely on to shower.

Is anything different about my behavior in shul on Shabbos?
Yes. An avel sits out for kabbolas Shabbos and enters before Mizmor Shir L’Yom HaShabbos for a communal nichumim.

Can I sing Zemiros?
Yes, if one usually does.

Do I give brachos to my children?
Not during the week of shiva.

May I wear jewelry on Shabbos?
During the week of shiva, a woman should not wear jewelry. On Shabbos she may wear the jewelry without which would make it clear she is in Aveilus.

Do I need a minyan on Friday afternoon or Motzei Shabbos?
It is not necessary. One can daven in shul for Mincha before Shabbos and for Maariv on Motzei Shabbos.

When does the Aveilus start again on Motzei Shabbos?

The Avel reverts back to public aveilus right after doing havdala.

Are there other practices we should be aware of at the shiva home?

Yes. It is inappropriate for people to greet each other or extend a hand in greeting at a shiva home.[47]

End of Shiva

When does shiva end?

Shiva is calculated from the time of burial. Partial days count as full days at the beginning and end of aveilus. So even if they funeral was in the late afternoon and the aveilim sat for 5 minutes before sunset, that was day 1. The last day of the shiva is observed until after Shacharis time on the 7th day. After the aveilim get up, shiva has ended.[48]

I have heard that the aveilim need to walk outside. How far must we walk? Why?

This is a later minhag. There are a number of reasons for it.

  1. The mourners have not been allowed to leave the house. This is the public demonstration of the end of the shiva
  2. The mourners have been protected from the world for 7 days. Now they must move back into the public space of regular life.
  3. There is an element of escort of the Neshama which now moves on at the end of shiva.

Shloshim/Shana

Shloshim

Are there restrictions about how I greet others?

Yes, people should not greet the avel with the words ‘shalom aleichem. The avel may greet others.[49] One can use a colloquial greeting like good morning after shiva.[50] One can wish mazal tov[51] or shake the avel’s hand.[52]

What about on Shabbos?
One may greet an avel with ‘shalom aleichem’ on Shabbos.[53]

Can we go on a business trips?

The Avel should avoid even business trips for the entire shloshim. After shloshim for a parent, if the avel is pressured by friends they may go.[54]

What about vacations?

Vacations which induce simcha and which are with friends should be avoided. Family vacations for a person to recuperate and a mental health break are allowed.[55]

Can I take a shower?

The Sephardim allow this.[56] Technically the Ashkenazim disallow it all 30 days,[57] but the practice today is to allow functional bathing and avoid pleasure bathing.[58]

Can I wear freshly laundered clothes?

An avel may not wear freshly laundered clothes for the shloshim according to Ashkenazik tradition. Sephardik tradition allows freshly laundered clothes.[59] This does not include undergarments.[60] Some are lenient regarding weekday clothing which do not give one special pleasure. One should wear out one’s wardrobe.

Can I take a haircut?

An avel may not take a haircut or shave during the shloshim. After shloshim a regular avel may cut hair immediately. An avel for a parent must wait till someone tells them they need a haircut after the shloshim.[61] Shaving is allowed after shloshim even without an external reminder.[62] A non-Jew may give the reminder.[63]

May women wax or shave bodily hair after shiva?

Yes. The do not need to wait until shloshim for this.[64]

Can women dye their hair?

Yes.

What about cutting nails?

An avel cannot cut their nails till after shloshim. One may bite or pull off hanging edges but cannot use a clipper.[65] One can also file a rough edge.

Do I need to change my seat in shul?

Ashkenazim have the custom to change their seat for all 12 months even on Shabbos. Sephardim change their seat but not on Shabbos.[66]

When does the shloshim end?

Shloshim is counted from the day of burial (even for aveilim who started shiva early because of not attending the funeral. It is only in force until the morning of the 30th day not the whole day.[67]

When should we make the shloshim meal?

Best to have it on the day of the shloshim, either the night going into it or the evening going out of it.

What if Yom Tov fell out during shiva?

Shiva is cut short and not completed afterwards. In terms of the shloshim, the shiva counts as 7 days, and the Yom Tov also counts as 7 days which are deducted from the remaining shloshim. So if Yom Tov cancels shiva, this is when the shloshim will end:

Pesach

7 Iyar

Shavuos

22 Sivan

Rosh Hashana

9 Tishrei

Yom Kippur

14 Tishrei

Sukkos/Shmini Atzeres

1 Cheshvan

Laundry is allowed from midday. Bathing, changing clothes and leather shoes are allowed from plag hamincha.[68]

What if Yom Tov fell out during shloshim?

Shloshim is cut short for everything[69] except hair cutting when mourning for a parent. The chiyuv to daven for the amud and the time to commemorate the shloshim ceremony still remains at 30 days mapping the journey of the soul which is still 30 days. One may cut hair (not when mourning for a parent) and bathe after plag hamincha.[70]

12 Months

Why is there no 12 months of aveilus for aveilim who are not children?

The default aveilus is 30 days. That is for siblings, spouses and children. When a child mourns for a parent, there is an added element of kibud av v’eim which requires the child to express aveilus in a more extended fashion.

Can we have meals with friends?

It it forbidden for an avel during shloshim for all relatives, and during the 12 months for parents, to invite others for a meal or be invited by friends to a meal.[71]
However, on Shabbos the avel may accept an invitation from or extend an invitation to friends they would usually eat with on Shabbos.[72] This should be in a meal with less than 2 other couples.
An avel may attend seuda Shlishis at shul on Shabbos, even if it extends after Shabbos.[73]

Can I give an avel a gift?

One may not give an avel a gift, except on Shabbos.[74]

Can I wear new clothes?

For regular aveilim for 30 days and aveilim for parents for 12 months one may not wear new clothes.[75] This refers to buying or wearing already bought new clothes. It is clothes that give one pleasure and one would say shehehiyanu on. New regular weekday clothes are allowed.[76]

Is fancy clothing allowed?

During the weekday one should not wear fancy Shabbos clothing during aveilus.[77]

Can I listen to music?

An avel may not listen to music.[78] This means intentional not incidental music. Playing for parnasa is allowed. This includes recorded music.[79]

What about for a simcha?

Parents are allowed to wear fancy clothing to the simcha of their children.[80]

Can I go to a simcha?

Event

Shiva

Shloshim/12 months (for parent)

Bris

An avel may not attend the bris.

The parent may leave the house to attend in shul. They may not partake in the meal.[81] If it is in the house, they may eat the meal but in a different room.[82]

An avel may attend the bris ceremony. They may not attend the meal unless they are the parents/grandparents.[83]

Pidyon Haben

An avel may not attend unless for their child

An avel may attend.

Kiddush for baby girl

An avel may not attend.

An avel may attend.

Bar Mitzva

The party should be postponed till after shiva.[84]

If it is bo bayon or the bar mitva boy is giving a dvar Torah, one may attend but not for music. [85]

Wedding

An avel may not attend a wedding.[86]

The parent/grandparent of the bride and groom may attend the wedding during shiva.[87]

Kabbolas Panim – it is a problem since there is music and lots of food.[88]

Choson’s Tisch – avel is allowed to go in to say mazal tov.

Chuppa – depends where it is. If it is the same room as the meal, an avel should not enter. If it is a separate room, the avel may attend until the singing and dancing right after the chuppa. [89]For non family members of the baalei simcha, this can only be after shloshim.

Meal – the avel may not enter unless they have a job. If they have a job they may enter the room but may not eat there.[90]

Sheva Brachos

An avel may not attend sheva brachos.

An avel may not attend sheva brachos but if they are the panim chadashos or make up the minyan, they are allowed.[91]

Shabbos Sheva brachos are allowed for family members and close friends whose absence would be otherwise understood to be because of aveilus.[92]

Siyum

An avel may not attend a siyum.

An avel may attend a siyum but must step out for music.[93]

Concert

An avel may not attend a concert.

An avel may not attend a concern unless he plays for parnasa.[94]

Shabbos meal invitation

An avel may not accept.

An avel may accept.

Standing Kiddush

An avel may not attend

An avel may attend.

When does the aveilus finish?

The aveilus ends after 12 months. It is counted from the day of burial. It will go till the end of the day unlike the end of shiva and shloshim.

What if there is a leap year?

The aveilus goes until the end of 12 months even if the date of the yahrzeit may be 13 months after the burial.

Why is the year of aveilus structured as it is?
Yes. There are many reasons for the structure of aninus, shiva, shloshim and the 12 months. One is that it reflects the journey of the soul. The soul undergoes a process of cleansing which is towards the beginning of the aveilus. Each waystation reflects a reprieve the soul is experiencing at that stage.

Additionally, the year of aveilus is structured in such a way that it is anti-climatic. The practices of aveilus diminish over the course of the year. That is because Chazal were balancing 2 values which are in tension:

  1. How can one possibly go on with life when someone so precious just passed away.
  2. One must continue with life because there is so much on one’s shoulders, and the departed would have wanted that.

If we were left to manage balancing those values from the day of death we would be a mess. Some days we would just not get out of bed. Some days we would get busy and then feel guilty. What Chazal did was to set up a structured system which to give full focus on the deceased at the beginning and slowly return to life with reminders that life is not normal which diminish over time.

  1. Shulchan Aruch YD 378:1 ↑

  2. Pnei Baruch 7 sk 1 ↑

  3. Be’er Heitev ↑

  4. Gesher Hachaim ↑

  5. Aruch Hashulchan YD 378:2 ↑

  6. Shulchan Aruch YD 378:9 ↑

  7. Shulchan Aruch YD 378:5 ↑

  8. Ramo YD 378:11, note the Shulchan Aruch says there is one on Motzei Yom Tov. ↑

  9. TB Moed Kattan 15a ↑

  10. Aruch Hashulchan YD 387:3 ↑

  11. Pnei Baruch ↑

  12. Shulchan Aruch YD 388:1 ↑

  13. Shach sk 1 ↑

  14. Shulchan Aruch YD 381:1 ↑

  15. Shulchan Aruch YD 381:5 ↑

  16. Darkei Tahara page 171 ↑

  17. Shulchan Aruch YD 381:2 ↑

  18. Chukei Chaim sk 11 quoting Rav Neventzal ↑

  19. Shulchan Aruch YD 381:6 ↑

  20. Sulchan Aruch YD 389:1 ↑

  21. Pischei Teshuva YD 389 sk 2 ↑

  22. Shulchan Aruch YD 382:1 ↑

  23. Mishna Berura OC 514 sk 5 ↑

  24. Halichos Shlomo 5:17 ↑

  25. Shulchan Aruch YD 383:1 ↑

  26. Ramo YD 383:1 ↑

  27. Shulchan Aruch YD 384:1 ↑

  28. Shulchan Aruch YD 384:4 ↑

  29. Gesher Hachaim 21:5:1 ↑

  30. Aruch Hashulchan 384:9 ↑

  31. Shulchan Aruch YD 383:5 ↑

  32. Shulchan Aruch YD 385:1 ↑

  33. Aruch Hashulchan YD 385:2 ↑

  34. Shulchan Aruch YD 380:1 ↑

  35. Ramo YD 380:5, note that the Shulchan Aruch requires others to do it not he avel ↑

  36. Ramo YD 380:2 ↑

  37. Shemiras Shabbos Kehilchesa 66:55 ↑

  38. Pischei Teshuva YD 380 sk 1 ↑

  39. Pnei Baruch 13:30 ↑

  40. Shulchan Aruch YD 380:11 ↑

  41. See Pischei Teshuva YD 380 sk 4 in the name of the Chasam Sofer ↑

  42. Shulchan Aruch YD 380:22 ↑

  43. Rabbi Akiva Eiger YD 376:4 ↑

  44. Shulchan Aruch, Ramo YD 393:2 ↑

  45. Based on TB Brachos 54b ↑

  46. Aruch Hashulchan YD 400:2, Gesher Hachaim 21:12:3 says until plag hamincha, others wait till shkiah ↑

  47. Aruch Hashulchan YD 343:4 ↑

  48. Shulchan Aruch, Ramo YD 395:1 ↑

  49. Shulchan Aruch YD 385:1 ↑

  50. Aruch Hashulchan YD 385:2 ↑

  51. Gesher Hachaim 21:7:7 ↑

  52. Responsa Har Zvi YD 290 ↑

  53. Shulchan Aruch YD 385:3 ↑

  54. Shulchan Aruch YD 380:25 ↑

  55. Kobetz Teshuvos II:63 ↑

  56. Shulchan Aruch YD 381:1 ↑

  57. Ramo YD 381:1 ↑

  58. Shiras Devora, Aveilus page 246 ↑

  59. Shulchan Aruch, Ramo YD 389:1 ↑

  60. Pischei Teshuva YD 389 sk 2 ↑

  61. Shulchan Aruch, Ramo YD 389:4 ↑

  62. Pischei Teshuva YD 389 sk 4 ↑

  63. Responsa Maharshag II:214 ↑

  64. Ramo 389:5 ↑

  65. Shulchan Aruch YD 389:7 ↑

  66. Shulchan Aruch, Ramo YD 393:4 ↑

  67. Shulchan Aruch YD 395:1 ↑

  68. Mishna Berura OC 548 sk 40 ↑

  69. Shulchan Aruch OC 548:8 ↑

  70. Ramo OC 548:8 ↑

  71. Taz, YD 385:sk 1 ↑

  72. Chukei Chaim 391:57, Gesher Hachaim 21:7:9 ↑

  73. Chukei Chaim 391:57 ↑

  74. Ramo YD 385:3 ↑

  75. Shulchan Aruch 389:3 ↑

  76. Chukei Chaim 389:15 ↑

  77. Ramo 389:3, Pnei Baruch 23:4 ↑

  78. Shulchan Aruch YD 389:1 ↑

  79. Halichos Shomo 14:3 ↑

  80. Pischei Teshuva YD 389 sk 3 ↑

  81. Shach YD 393 sk 4 ↑

  82. Pnei Baruch 20:4:5 ↑

  83. Ramo YD 391:2 ↑

  84. Nitei Gavriel II:26:12 ↑

  85. Nitei Gavriel 26:9 ↑

  86. Shulchan Aruch YD 391:2 ↑

  87. Igros Moshe YD II:169 ↑

  88. Responsa Shevet Halevi X:219:4 ↑

  89. Shulchan Aruch, Ramo YD 391:3 ↑

  90. Ramo YD 391:3 ↑

  91. Rabbi Akiva Eiger YD 391:3 ↑

  92. Pnei Baruch 20:16 ↑

  93. Pischei Teshuva YD 391 sk 5 ↑

  94. Pnei Baruch 20:31 ↑