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The Ultimate Passage

Crash Course of the Jewish Lifecycle

The very end of life can be very humbling. Learn how to best navigate this in a respectful and appropriate manner.

What is viduy?

Viduy at the end of life is acknowledging the faults in one’s life and acknowledging that the process of death should be an atonement. This is noted in the Mishna in Sanhedrin 43b

ואם אינו יודע להתוודות אומרים לו אמור תהא מיתתי כפרה על כל עונותי ר' יהודה אומר אם היה יודע שהוא מזומם אומר תהא מיתתי כפרה על כל עונותי

And if the condemned man does not know how to confess, either from ignorance or out of confusion, they say to him: Say simply: Let my death be an atonement for all my sins. Rabbi Yehuda says: If the condemned man knows that he was convicted by the testimony of conspiring witnesses, but in fact he is innocent, he says: Let my death be an atonement for all my sins.

How much is said?

Preferably one should say the full viduy like one does on Yom Kippur including ashamnu and al cheit.

If that is not possible, the most basic formulation should be:

“ מיתתי תהא כפרה על כל עונותי"

May my death be an atonement for all my sins.[1]

Isn’t going to scare the person saying it?

One should encourage the sick person to say it themselves when they can and note that many have said viduy and recovered and many have missed it and not recovered.[2]

Is there anything else which is said?

Yes, there are many other tefillos which are associated with this passage?

Yes, there are additional tefillos to be included. Please ask Rabbi Trump for the texts. Included in these are: Tehillim 121, 130, 91, Yigdal, Adon Olam, Ana Bekoach and Al Kein Nekaveh.

What else can I do?

  1. It is important to be present with the sick person. Your being there, even without saying much, is of great value to a person at a dark time with an unclear future.
  2. It is important also to take the time to sing with the patient. Think of songs they would enjoy around the Shabbos table and at family gatherings. Music has a deep way of penetrating even at times when lucidity is distant.
  3. Take time to say all the things you would want said like how much you love them and asking for forgiveness for things not addressed.

Do I need to speak to the funeral home and cemetery before the end of life?

It is not necessary to make the arrangements before the end of life. However, it is a good idea to find out the following details:

  1. Where is the plot which was bought for one’s loved one?
  2. Where are the papers so they will be accessible?
  3. Was there a funeral home they set up an arrangement with?
  4. If not, which funeral home would one want to use and does one have their number?

If I see that my loved one is in the process of passing away, what should I do?

Most importantly one should be present and be a voice of strength and calm with them. If one sees that they are dying, one should say the following pesukim as the soul departs:

Once:

שְׁמַ֖ע יִשְׂרָאֵ֑ל ה' אֱלֹהֵ֖ינוּ ה' אֶחָֽד׃

Hear, O Israel! Hashem is our God, Hashem is one

Three times:

בָּרוּךְ שֵׁם כְּבוֹד מַלְכוּתוֹ לְעוֹלָם וָעֶד:

Blessed [is His] Name, Whose glorious kingdom is forever and ever.

Seven times:

ה' הוּא הָאֱלֹהִים.

Hashem is God

Once:

ה' מֶֽלֶךְ ה' מָלָךְ ה' יִמְלֹךְ לְעֹלָם וָעֶד:

Hashem is King, Hashem was King; Hashem will be King forever and ever.

Is there anything to say right afterwards?

Yes. After the soul departs on should say the following:

יְיָ נָתַן וַיהוָה לָקָח יְהִי שֵׁם יְיָ מְבוֹרָךְ:

Hashem gave, Hashem took. May His name be blessed.

הַצּוּר֙ תָּמִ֣ים פׇּֽעֳל֔וֹ כִּ֥י כׇל־דְּרָכָ֖יו מִשְׁפָּ֑ט אֵ֤ל אֱמוּנָה֙ וְאֵ֣ין עָ֔וֶל צַדִּ֥יק וְיָשָׁ֖ר הֽוּא׃

The Rock is perfect in action. All His ways are just. A faithful God and there is no corruption. He is righteous and upright.

What do I do first if/when my loved one passes away?

When a person passes away it is important to ensure the following issues are addressed:

  1. The hands should be opened
  2. The mouth and eyes should be closed
  3. The arms should be straight alongside the body
  4. The legs should be straightened
  5. The body should be covered by a sheet
  6. If one is at home and it is possible, the body should be lowered to the floor, feet facing the door
  7. If one is in the hospital, the bed should lowered to the flat position and lowest setting
  8. One should instruct the nurse not to remove any lines from the body

When something happens, who do I call first?

The first call is to the Rabbi who will help walk through the necessary steps.

The second call is to the funeral home which will initiate a funeral director and shomer to pick up the niftar/nifteres. They will also be in charge of contacting the cemetery to open up the plot.

I know that a tahara needs to be done. How do I arrange that?

A tahara is the processing of ritual cleansing the body and preparing it for the final passage. It is done extremely carefully and in a truly honorable fashion. One does not need to arrange that. That is arranged by the Rabbi in concert with the funeral home. Sometimes it is performed by the shul’s chevra Kadisha and sometimes by the town’s chevra Kadisha. The Rabbi will confirm those arrangement.

Do we need a shomer?

The halacha is that someone should be with the deceased all the time from the time of death until the funeral. This is to protect the body from rodents[3] and for kabbalistic reasons.[4] This is even true in a morgue. That would mean waiting with the deceased until the funeral director arrived. Usually, the Chevra Kadisha will help provide but one should inquire about this.

Is there anything special I should do in the house the person passed away in?

Yes. Any open liquids at the time of passing should be poured out. This is a way of subtly conveying the passing and also because there is impurity in the wake of death.[5]

What can we not do in the presence of the deceased?

One should be careful not to talk about things unrelated to the deceased or Divrei Torah in the presence of the deceased.[6]

When do I become and onen?

As soon as one hears of the death of one of one’s direct relatives.

When does aninus end?

As soon as one finishes the burial.[7]

What am I not allowed to do?

An onen is not allowed to:

  1. Perform positive commandments including brachos, tefilla, krias shma.
  2. Eat meat or drink wine.[8]

What is the reason for aninus?

There are 2 reasons for aninus: (i) one is busy with the funeral preparations, (ii) it is a lack of honor for the deceased.[9]

May I opt in to do these mitzvos?

We paskin like both of the previously mentioned reasons and as such one cannot just opt out.[10]

Do I do netilas yadaim?

Yes, one washes before bread, in the morning and after the bathroom but without a bracha.[11]

May I put on a talis katan?

Yes, without a bracha.[12]

May I give tzedakah?

Yes, but only in honor of the deceased.

May I say krias shma al hamita?

Yes. This is a protection and there are no arrangements made during sleeping.[13]

May I recite Tehillim?

In the presence of the deceased (or on the plane with them), in honor of them, it is fine.

May I recited tefilas haderech?

If one is concerned for safety one may recite it without the pesukim which follow it.[14]

May I give tzedaka?

One may give tzedakah for the merit of the deceased.[15]

May I say kaddish already?

This is a debate and one may say kaddish on Shabbos.[16]

What do I do over Shabbos?

There is no aninus on Shabbos so once Shabbos comes in the onen would go to shul and have a regular Shabbos, with the exception of marital relations.[17]

If the burial is after Shabbos what do I do about havdala?

One does havdala after the funeral (up till Tuesday afternoon). Then one would say havdala without the introductory pesukim and without the bracha on besamim and fire. One may eat on Motzei Shabbos without havdala.

Can I make up the tefilla I missed during aninus?

If one was an onen the entire period of obligation for that tefilla, it does not need to be made up. If one was able to say the tefilla, didn’t and then became an onen, one can daven a second amida in tashlumim for the missed tefilla.

If the onen ate bread before the funeral and is still full or used the bathroom and still does not need it after the funeral, the onen should say the bracha after the funeral.[18]

If I am flying with the deceased to Israel for burial, what happens with the aninus?

If one is still involved in planning the funeral (writing the eulogy, whatsapping those who need to know), then the aninus continues during the flight.[19]

What should I do about my work?

One is not allowed to work during Aveilus[20], so it is best to call one’s office to let them know that one will be out. Most employers are understanding.

What if I am a business owner?

A business owner may not run his/her business during Aveilus. If one did not already do this, it is best to sell one’s business to a partner or manager who will run the business. That means that you will not be receiving profits from this week. The partner or manager may give you a bonus after the week of shiva as a gift.[21] For the document of sale, please ask Rabbi Trump.

If one did not sell before the funeral, such a sale may no longer be done. That being the case, if one has employees who are paid weekly/monthly, one must continue to pay them and one may allow them to work because otherwise that will be a loss of money. But one cannot direct new initiatives to gain profit.

  1. Shulchan Aruch YD 338:1 ↑

  2. Shulchan Aruch YD 338:1 ↑

  3. Chochmas Adam, Matzeiva Moshe sk 14 ↑

  4. Igros Moshe YD I:225, Maavor Yabok Sfas Emes 24 ↑

  5. Shach YD 339 sk 9 ↑

  6. Shulchan Aruch YD 340:16 ↑

  7. Pischei Teshuva YD 341:sk 21 Strictly speaking, once one has handed the body over to the chevra Kadisha, the aninus should end, but because one is still involved in many other aspects of preparation, the aninus remains in force. ↑

  8. Shulchan Aruch YD 341:1S ↑

  9. Yerushalmi Brachos 3:1

    תני אם רצה להחמיר על עצמו אין שומעין לו למה מפני כבודו של מת או משום שאין לו מי שישא משואו מה נפיק מביניהן היה לו מי שישא משואו ואין תימר מפני כבודו של מת אסור ואם תאמר מפני שאין לו מי שישא משואו הרי יש לו מי שישא משואו ↑

  10. Shulchan Aruch YD 341:1 ↑

  11. Pischei Teshuva YD 341:sk 4 ↑

  12. Minchas Shlomo I:91:25-3 ↑

  13. Minchas Shlomo I:91:25-9 ↑

  14. Shevet Halevi XI:262 ↑

  15. Minchas Shlomo I:91:25-4 ↑

  16. Mishna Berura OC 71:sk 7 ↑

  17. Shulchan Aruch YD 341:1 ↑

  18. Biur Halacha OC 71:1 ↑

  19. Shemiras Shabbos Kehilchasa 64:sk 91 ↑

  20. Shulchan Aruch YD 380:1 ↑

  21. See Pischei Teshuva YD 380 sk 4 in the name of the Chasam Sofer ↑