Engagement

This series is sponsored by Suri Stern

This Sunday’s class is sponsored by Rosemary Fisch, in memory of Rabbi Daniel Rosenthal a"h, and Irwin Fisch, a"h,

and Sandy and Ed Klar on the 33rd yahrzeit of Sandy’s grandfather, Chaim Hellman, Chaim ben Klonimus and the 41st yahrzeit of Ed‘s grandmother, Sadie Klar, Zissel bat Moshe Asher Zelig

Is engagement a ‘thing’ in Judaism?

There is a concept in the Torah called eirusin or betrothal. It is described in Devarim 22:23-24

כִּ֤י יִהְיֶה֙ נַעֲרָ֣ בְתוּלָ֔ה מְאֹרָשָׂ֖ה לְאִ֑ישׁ וּמְצָאָ֥הּ אִ֛ישׁ בָּעִ֖יר וְשָׁכַ֥ב עִמָּֽהּ׃

In the case of a virgin who is engaged to someone —if another man comes upon her in town and lies with her,

וְהוֹצֵאתֶ֨ם אֶת־שְׁנֵיהֶ֜ם אֶל־שַׁ֣עַר ׀ הָעִ֣יר הַהִ֗וא וּסְקַלְתֶּ֨ם אֹתָ֥ם בָּאֲבָנִים֮ וָמֵ֒תוּ֒ אֶת־הַֽנַּעֲרָ֗ עַל־דְּבַר֙ אֲשֶׁ֣ר לֹא־צָעֲקָ֣ה בָעִ֔יר וְאֶ֨ת־הָאִ֔ישׁ עַל־דְּבַ֥ר אֲשֶׁר־עִנָּ֖ה אֶת־אֵ֣שֶׁת רֵעֵ֑הוּ וּבִֽעַרְתָּ֥ הָרָ֖ע מִקִּרְבֶּֽךָ׃ {ס}

you shall take the two of them out to the gate of that town and stone them to death: the girl because she did not cry for help in the town, and the man because he violated his neighbor’s wife. Thus you will sweep away evil from your midst.

It is clear from here that it is considered a stage of marriage. There was another ceremony called nisuim which when the couple would be under a canopy together and begin to live together. It used to be that the eirusin was done around a year in advance of the nisuim. The practice today it to combine both ceremonies under the chuppa.

How is the stage achieved?

The Mishna in Kiddushin 2a explains there are 3 ways to execute eirusin:

הָאִשָּׁה נִקְנֵית בְּשָׁלֹשׁ דְּרָכִים, וְקוֹנָה אֶת עַצְמָהּ בִּשְׁתֵּי דְרָכִים. נִקְנֵית בְּכֶסֶף, בִּשְׁטָר, וּבְבִיאָה.

MISHNA: A woman is acquired by, i.e., becomes betrothed to, a man to be his wife in three ways, and she acquires herself, i.e., she terminates her marriage, in two ways. The mishna elaborates: She is acquired through money, through a document, and through sexual intercourse.

We do not employ the 3^rd method in practice as the Shulchan Aruch EH 26:4 explains:

האשה מתקדשת בשלשה דרכים בכסף או בשטר או בביאה מן התורה אבל חכמים אסרו לקדש בביאה משום פריצות

The woman is betrothed in 3 ways; with money, a document or with intimate relations, as learned from the Torah, but our sages prohibited betrothal by having relations because of impropriety.

We perform the eirusin ceremony under the chupa with the ring giving, prior to the final step called nisuim which involves the couple under the canopy or shared garment and then secluding themselves for a few minutes. It used to be that eirusin would be done and then there would be a break of up till a year for the couple to prepare themselves and then nisuim.

If so, does the idea of engagement count at all today?
Yes. It is another stage in the process which needs to happen at the beginning of the relationship before the wedding. It is called in halacha ‘shidduchin.’

TB Kiddushin 12b

דְּרַב מְנַגֵּיד עַל דִּמְקַדֵּשׁ בְּשׁוּקָא, וְעַל דִּמְקַדֵּשׁ בְּבִיאָה, וְעַל דִּמְקַדֵּשׁ בְּלָא שִׁידּוּכֵי.

The Gemara explains that Rav would flog a man for betrothing a woman in the marketplace, because this is disrespectful and crude, and for betrothing a woman through sexual intercourse, as it is unsavory to invite witnesses to observe a man and woman enter a room to engage in intercourse. And he would also flog a man for betrothing a woman without an arrangement [shiddukhei], i.e., if he did not discuss betrothal with the woman before betrothing her. Each of these acts is considered indecent behavior.

This is reflected in halacha in Shulchan Aruch EH 26:4

ואפילו קדשה בכסף או בשטר אם לא שידך תחלה או שקידש בשוק מכין אותו מכת מרדות והיא מקודשת: הגה וי"א שאין מכין אם קידש בכסף או בשטר אפי' בשוק ובלא שידוכין (טור בשם הרא"ש) ולא ראיתי מימי שהכו מי שקדש בלא שדוכין:

Even if he betrothed her with money or with a document and they did not arrange the marriage agreement beforehand or he betrothed her in the market place, he receives rabbinically decreed whiplashes and she is still betrothed. Rem"a: There are those who say that we don't give whiplashes if he betrothed her with money or a document, even in the market and without any arrangement and in my life, I never saw someone given whiplashes for becoming betrothed without arrangement.

What arrangements are involved in this?

Rashi, Kiddushin 13a, explains his asking her to marry him, and her agreeing.

בדשדיך - שדבר בה קודם לכן ונתרצית להתקדש לו:

TB Kiddushin 9b explains that it refers to arranging how much each family is committing to the wedding and marriage:

מֵיתִיבִי: אֵין כּוֹתְבִין שְׁטָרֵי אֵירוּסִין וְנִשּׂוּאִין אֶלָּא מִדַּעַת שְׁנֵיהֶן. מַאי לָאו שְׁטָרֵי אֵירוּסִין וְנִשּׂוּאִין מַמָּשׁ! לָא, שְׁטָרֵי פְּסִיקָתָא. וְכִדְרַב גִּידֵּל אָמַר רַב,

The Gemara raises an objection from a mishna (Bava Batra 167b) against the opinion that she is betrothed if the document was written without her consent. One writes documents of betrothal and marriage only with the consent of both the man and woman. What, is the mishna not referring to actual documents of betrothal and marriage, which indicates that the document must be written with the woman’s consent? The Gemara rejects this proof: No, this is referring to documents of stipulation, which contain the details of the dowry. And this statement is in accordance with that which Rav Giddel says that Rav says.

דְּאָמַר רַב גִּידֵּל אָמַר רַב: ״כַּמָּה אַתָּה נוֹתֵן לְבִנְךָ״? – ״כָּךְ וְכָךְ״, ״לְבִתְּךָ״? – ״כָּךְ וְכָךְ״, עָמְדוּ וְקִדְּשׁוּ – קָנוּ, הֵן הֵן הַדְּבָרִים הַנִּקְנִים בַּאֲמִירָה.

As Rav Giddel says that Rav says: If the father of one member of the couple says to the father of the other: How much are you giving to your son? And he answers: Such and such, and adds: How much are you giving to your daughter? And the other responds: Such and such, then if they, the couple, subsequently arose and became betrothed, they acquire everything that was promised. These are the matters that are acquired through speech, and they do not require an act of acquisition. The documents of betrothal mentioned here that require the woman’s consent are those which contain this type of monetary obligation, not actual documents of betrothal.

Does anything else need to happen?

Yes. The custom is for the groom to give his fiancée sivlonos, or gifts.

Mishna, Bava Basra 9:5 describes given from groom to bride in the interim period.

הַשּׁוֹלֵחַ סִבְלוֹנוֹת לְבֵית חָמִיו, שָׁלַח שָׁם מֵאָה מָנֶה וְאָכַל שָׁם סְעוּדַת חָתָן אֲפִלּוּ בְדִינָר, אֵינָן נִגְבִּין. לֹא אָכַל שָׁם סְעוּדַת חָתָן, הֲרֵי אֵלּוּ נִגְבִּין. שָׁלַח סִבְלוֹנוֹת מְרֻבִּין שֶׁיַּחְזְרוּ עִמָּהּ לְבֵית בַּעְלָהּ, הֲרֵי אֵלּוּ נִגְבִּין. סִבְלוֹנוֹת מֻעָטִין שֶׁתִּשְׁתַּמֵּשׁ בָּהֶן בְּבֵית אָבִיהָ, אֵינָן נִגְבִּין:

With regard to one who sends presents [sivlonot] to his father-in-law’s house following his betrothal, even if he sent there the sum of ten thousand dinars and subsequently ate there a groom’s feast even worth the value of a single dinar, if for any reason the marriage is not effected, the presents are not collected in return by the formerly betrothed man. If he did not eat a groom’s feast there, the presents are collected, as they were not an unconditional gift. If he sent many presents with the stipulation that they return with her to her husband’s house, i.e., to his own house, after the wedding, these are collected if the marriage is not effected. If he sent a few presents for her to use while in her father’s house, they are not collected.

What does it need to be?

Rashbam, Bava Basra 146a explains that after eirusin the groom would send gifts of jewelry and cloths to her.

מתני' השולח סבלונות - מנהג חתנים לאחר קדושין למחרת שולח לבית חמיו לכבוד אשתו תכשיטין ומיני פירות וכדי יין וכדי שמן ופעמים אוכל שם עמה:

The Ramo, EH 45:1 explains that the gifts given after engagement are not considered an issue of looking like eirusin since that is usually done later and certainly if there were no witnesses to the gift giving.

י"א דכל סבלונות ששלח מיד אחר השידוכין יום או יומים אין לחוש להם כלל ואפי' שלח לה אח"כ ג"כ דמאחר ששלח לה תחלה אנו רואים דמסבל ואח"כ מקדש ואין חוששין לסבלונות (מהרי"ק שורש קע"א)… י"א דאם לא שלח לה הסבלונות בעדים אין חוששין לפירש"י שהסבלונות הן עצמן קידושין ואפילו למ"ד המקדש בעד אחד חוששין לקידושין בסבלונות ליכא למיחש (מהרי"ק שורש כ"ח וק"א וקע"א)

Does it need to be a ring?

No. The cultural expectation is a diamond ring. That it not necessary for engagement and one should certainly not spend beyond their means on this.

Are there any ceremonies connected to it?

Yes. There is a ceremony of conditions which each side commits to in planning the wedding.

Shulchan Aruch EH 50:6

^יכשרוצין לעשות הבטחות לשידוכין עושים בענין ^יאשלא יהא אסמכתא דהיינו שעושים שטר מזה שחייב לחבירו מנה ואחר שחייב עצמו מנה (מתנה עם אבי הכלה) שאם יקיים השידוכין ויכנס לחופה עם משודכתו זאת הרי החוב מחול לו ואח"כ עושים שטר שחבירו חייב לזה מנה ומתנה עמו שאם יכניס בתו לחופה עם זה המשודך יהא החוב מחול לו ומניחים שני שטרות אלו ביד שליש: הגה וי"א דכל קנסות שעושים בשדוכין אין בהם משום אסמכתא (תוס' פרק איזהו נשך והרא"ש פ"ד דנדרים) וכן המנהג פשוט לגבות קנסות שעושין בשידוכין וכמו שיתבאר בחשן המשפט סימן ר"ז

When one wishes to make assurances for a marriage promise, one should make them in a manner that they are not asmakhta (based on unlikely future events). That is, one makes a document from this [party] that he owes his friend a maneh, and afterwards he obligates himself a maneh (making a condition with the father of the bride) that if the marriage promise is fulfilled and he enters into the marriage canopy with this woman to whom he is promised, the debt is forgiven, and afterwards they make a document that his friend is obligated a maneh to the other, and make a condition with him that if he brings his daughter into the marriage canopy with the man to whom she is promised, the debt will be forgiven, and they place these two documents in the hand of a third. Rema: Some say that any fines one makes regarding marriage promises are unproblematic from the perspective of asmakhta (Tosafot ch. What is neshekh and the Rosh, Nedarim ch. 4). And similarly, the widespread custom is to collect fines that one makes regarding marriage promises, as will be explained in Hoshen Mishpat 207.

Who needs to be there?

Taz, EH 50 sk 11, explains that to avoid there being the concern that this is just an empty promise, notables of the city are invited to add gravitas to the agreement.

ולכן נראה שבשעת כתיבת התנאים בין חתן וכלה מזמינים לזה חשובים שבעיר ממילא אין כאן אסמכתא אבל חשש דמנה אין כאן שזכרנו אין בזה תיקון כמו שכתבנו:

What else needs to happen?

The custom is to break a plate. Why?

The Sefer Taamei Haminhagim, page 411 explains:

1. It is to remind people of the fragility and passing nature of life so they should not run after their material lusts.
2. It is to show that a broken tenaim cannot be fixed.

What does the tenaim look like?

Is that what we do today?

Outside the Chassidic community, the practice has been to avoid making the tenaim at the beginning of the engagement because of the concern of breaking them.

Thus, we move the tenaim to just before the kiddushin itself.

Instead, the night of the engagement, people have a smaller l’chaim with family and if they decide to make a bigger celebration, they host a ‘vort’ in which a Dvar Torah is said along with dancing and a meal.

What are things that need to be taken care of during the engagement?

Yes. Besides all the many wedding arrangements, one needs to be sure that one pays the shadchan.

The Shulchan Aruch CM 185:10 treats the Shadchan as any other agent to which one owes a fee for the service.

סרסור שנתן כלי לבקרו ולא רצה המבקר להחזירו חייב הסרסור וכ"ש שאין לסרסור למכור חפץ באשראי אלא א"כ נוטל רשות מבעל הכלי: הגה השדכן הוי כמו סרסור ואם השדכן רוצה שישלמו לו מיד שכר שדכנותו והבעלים אינם רוצים לשלם עד הנשואין תלוי במנהג המדינה ובמקום שאין מנהג הדין עם הבעלים ובמקום שאין צריך לשלם לו עד הנישואין אם חזרו בהן ונתבטל השדכנות פטורים הבעלים מלשלם לו שכרו אלא אם כן התנו בהדיא על מנת שיתפייס ואז צריך לשלם לו מיד אפי' יחזרו בהן (פסקים וכתבים מהרא"י סי' פ"ה)

Are there protocols for seeing each other?

There is no halachik prescription here but there are many who suggest discretion in creating ‘gedarim’ or boundaries. This means that a groom and bride are not seeing each other all the time. It can once or twice a week or whatever makes sense over the period of their engagement. Engagement is not full marriage so physical contact is not allowed. Being with someone one wants to spend the rest of their life with and not being able to express that physically can be challenging, and it is a good idea to build in appropriate boundaries.

How should we treat the period of engagement?

When the prophet Hoshea 2:21-22 describes Hashem’s willingness to take back the nation of Israel after her infidelity, it describes His commitment in the terms of an eternal engagement.

וְאֵרַשְׂתִּ֥יךְ לִ֖י לְעוֹלָ֑ם וְאֵרַשְׂתִּ֥יךְ לִי֙ בְּצֶ֣דֶק וּבְמִשְׁפָּ֔ט וּבְחֶ֖סֶד וּֽבְרַחֲמִֽים׃

And I will espouse you forever:
I will espouse you with righteousness and justice,
And with goodness and mercy,

וְאֵרַשְׂתִּ֥יךְ לִ֖י בֶּאֱמוּנָ֑ה וְיָדַ֖עַתְּ אֶת־יְהֹוָֽה׃ {פ}

And I will espouse you with faithfulness;
Then you shall be devoted to GOD.